Women are renowned for speeding up when heartbroken. Take Cheryl Cole for example. Her marriage falls apart, again, amidst more controversy surrounding husband Ashley Cole’s penchant for extra-curricular nocturnal acitivies, and what does Cheryl do? Cancel her commitments and hole up at home under the duvet for a month until the edge comes off the pain? No sir.

Cheryl sets out on the busiest work period of her career, trucks out to parties both sides of the Atlantic, flies long-haul for long weekends and wait for it, gets ill. Malaria forces a go-slow, and that’s some price to pay for getting off the crazy train.

But it’s not just women that are guilty. A male friend who shall remain nameless admitted to me recently that he packed his work diary with meetings abroad specifically so he didn’t have time to think about his disintegrating relationship. He was, simply, too heartbroken to go slow.

Arguably, slow living and heartbreak go hand-in-hand only for the brave. It takes a strong spirit to sit in contemplation, mindful and tuned in to the cadence of emotion when painfully aware that you’ll be contemplating loss and sadness.

The problem with speeding up when the love chips are down is that for the vast majority of people heartbreak doesn’t just disappear. Rather, it lurks behind the scenes waiting until a sick bug lays us low or redundancy empties our days, coming back to bite us on the bum when we least need it.

Resolution needs a period of reflection, a time of slowdown. You might be better off sobbing your way through the man-sized Kleenex, the pillow cases and the soft furnishings for a short while, rather than packing it all so far down under an itinery only Barak Obama, the Queen and Cheryl Cole can boast.

What’s your end of the affair style? Do you speed up or take it easy? Tell us here.

But where did this idea of the ‘scheduling’ of love come from, and are we focusing too much on instant gratification?

In the last decade or so, there’s been a big emphasis on speed in relationships, with the huge upsurge in internet dating, speed dating and more ‘speculative’ relationship choices.

While these methods can be helpful for some and can and do lead to lasting and satisfying partnerships, the vast majority find them unsatisfying and even traumatic ways to reach the ‘goal’ of a successful relationship.

Marriage, once seen as the cornerstone of a healthy partnership, is still a popular relationship choice but with more focus on the ‘big day’ than ever before, with the average cost of a wedding soaring to £20,000 – no wonder so many couples forget to think about what happens afterwards.

Meanwhile, more couples are rushing into married life, with short engagements leading to short-lived marriages and the highest divorce rate ever recorded.

.

Speed dating vs Slow Love

So what has led to this breakdown in lasting relationships?

One reason is the methods many of us are forced to turn to when looking for a partner. The main advantages of speed and internet dating are also its biggest pitfalls: it’s useful to be able to ‘cut to the chase’ and weed out bad prospects when you’re battling against the very real obstacles of limited spare time, a lack of community and often a noisy biological clock.

But this approach can also create wildly unrealistic expectations.

If you’re feeling that these methods are your only hope, it’s worth thinking about how many people managed to find their soul mates before technology entered into our personal lives. In our parents’ and grandparents’ day, family introductions, shared interests and friendships played a far more important role in bringing couples together.

Of course, things have moved on and we no longer have the same courtship rituals and opportunities to meet potential partners as previous generations did. But the same principles are just as relevant as ever.

Becoming involved in a community, one that allows you to develop your interests, is still the best way to meet people and find someone who shares your values. While speed and internet dating strip away the context that surrounds your everyday life, finding someone who fits into that arena is likely to lead to a much more lasting relationship.

Once you do meet someone who fits in to your life — whether through one of the newer dating channels or via more traditional means, it’s important not to feel under pressure to rush into a particular relationship ‘mould’.

Every relationship is a journey, and the ones that make it all the way involve obstacles, with both partners working to overcome them together. A relationship founded on common interests, natural attraction and a willingness to grow together is far more likely to make it part the first few hurdles!

Image: Sabrina_Capmpagna

Giving yourself the time to think about sex is the key to a healthy relationship in the boudoir.

Whether you’re in a new or long-term relationship, Valentine’s Day may feel like it loses some of the romance due to the expectation that befalls us at the end of the evening. Couples may find the pressure too much, struggling as they forget about the journey, aiming only for Destination Climax.

Women may find this harder, as they are likely to take ten minutes longer to orgasm than men – who can orgasm after three to five minutes.

The national specialist charity, the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy (BASRT), are all too familiar with the problem:

“Many people find that thoughts run through their head about non-sexual things which seem to get in the way of them having an orgasm. Relaxation exercises can help with this as can taking the pressure off having an orgasm by taking orgasms off the menu for a while.”

“Strangely the thing that makes it most difficult to get an orgasm is trying to have an orgasm, just as many people with insomnia find that trying to get to sleep is exactly the thing that stops them from sleeping.”

.

Three-course sex menu

Do you take the time to enjoy all three courses of the sexual menu: foreplay, the sex itself, and the playful wind down time afterwards?

Just like with any relaxation technique, be it yoga, meditation or a little daytime siesta, it’s the time you give to the activity that helps develop your acceptance of the actual relaxation – and it can take practice.

Many sex therapists offer what they call ‘Sensate Focus’ where you are able to slow down and concentrate on your partner rather than the process. It could be about having alone time working what you personally want from your sex life. Or you may just want to remember your fantasies and allow the opportunity to explore your sexual thoughts. However during this period – it could be a few days or it could be a few weeks – no sexual intercourse or touching of one another’s sexual areas is allowed.

The couple instead lie together (whether naked or in relaxed clothing) after creating a comfortable environment and experiment with touch:  stroke, tickle, gently touch and massage, applying different degrees of pressure.

When you do recommence penetration, the BASRT suggests that you refrain from thrusting to begin with and simply enjoy the “sensation of containment”.

Over time you will know one another a lot better and enjoy the time together – and jorg&olif didn’t even mention the multiple orgasm doors slow sex opens if you have a go…bidi bidi bom bom!

Photo 1: Peter Becker
Photo 2: XOZ

Aside from avoiding a nightmarish table-booking rush, the forced ‘romantic’ atmosphere of many restaurants and additional sneaky additional charges, cooking as a couple is one of those ‘bonding’ activities that can help develop your relationship. What better day to do it than Valentine’s?

Of course there’s always the chance that you’ll squabble over spilt milk or one partner will discover his or her inner Gordon Ramsay, but creating something together can bring couples closer.

To make this a pleasant bonding experience rather than a fraught one, make sure you’ve decided on a menu in good time, set aside enough time (preferably the whole day!) to purchase, prepare and cook the food and have agreed on who’s doing what.

If the more confident partner wants to declare him or herself ‘head chef’ for the event, make sure that’s sorted out long before you start peeling potatoes!

Your choice of menu will of course be a very personal one, but some food options work better than others when love is in the air. For obvious reasons, overly spicy food is usually considered a no-go, but light, bite-sized foods or sharing plates make excellent romantic options. Think about what dishes you most enjoy when you’re out together and find out how you can interpret them at home.

The main challenge for those attempting a home-cooked Valentine’s meal is creating a suitably special and romantic mood. Candles and music are tried and tested ways to achieve this, but there are plenty more personal touches you can give your home to make it cosier and more inviting.

The obvious - but often overlooked first step – is to give the house a thorough clean so you’ll feel comfortable relaxing there, but you can also bring in fresh flowers, light a fire (it will certainly be cold enough this weekend) or maybe make some DIY table decorations: wine glass charms or your own fabric place mats to transform your dining experience.

The food itself can also help here: If you’re planning to bake, why not make some heart-shaped biscuits to help set the mood? You could also have a think about creating your own special cocktail, named after something that’s unique or important to your partner and you. Don’t worry about being too soppy – the situation demands it!

Image: Or Hiltch