Giving yourself the time to think about sex is the key to a healthy relationship in the boudoir.

Whether you’re in a new or long-term relationship, Valentine’s Day may feel like it loses some of the romance due to the expectation that befalls us at the end of the evening. Couples may find the pressure too much, struggling as they forget about the journey, aiming only for Destination Climax.

Women may find this harder, as they are likely to take ten minutes longer to orgasm than men – who can orgasm after three to five minutes.

The national specialist charity, the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy (BASRT), are all too familiar with the problem:

“Many people find that thoughts run through their head about non-sexual things which seem to get in the way of them having an orgasm. Relaxation exercises can help with this as can taking the pressure off having an orgasm by taking orgasms off the menu for a while.”

“Strangely the thing that makes it most difficult to get an orgasm is trying to have an orgasm, just as many people with insomnia find that trying to get to sleep is exactly the thing that stops them from sleeping.”

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Three-course sex menu

Do you take the time to enjoy all three courses of the sexual menu: foreplay, the sex itself, and the playful wind down time afterwards?

Just like with any relaxation technique, be it yoga, meditation or a little daytime siesta, it’s the time you give to the activity that helps develop your acceptance of the actual relaxation – and it can take practice.

Many sex therapists offer what they call ‘Sensate Focus’ where you are able to slow down and concentrate on your partner rather than the process. It could be about having alone time working what you personally want from your sex life. Or you may just want to remember your fantasies and allow the opportunity to explore your sexual thoughts. However during this period – it could be a few days or it could be a few weeks – no sexual intercourse or touching of one another’s sexual areas is allowed.

The couple instead lie together (whether naked or in relaxed clothing) after creating a comfortable environment and experiment with touch:  stroke, tickle, gently touch and massage, applying different degrees of pressure.

When you do recommence penetration, the BASRT suggests that you refrain from thrusting to begin with and simply enjoy the “sensation of containment”.

Over time you will know one another a lot better and enjoy the time together – and jorg&olif didn’t even mention the multiple orgasm doors slow sex opens if you have a go…bidi bidi bom bom!

Photo 1: Peter Becker
Photo 2: XOZ