Valentine’s Day is over for another year, and for some an empty inbox, letter box or unsatisfying date may seem to spell the end of another wasted opportunity.
But where did this idea of the ‘scheduling’ of love come from, and are we focusing too much on instant gratification?
In the last decade or so, there’s been a big emphasis on speed in relationships, with the huge upsurge in internet dating, speed dating and more ‘speculative’ relationship choices.
While these methods can be helpful for some and can and do lead to lasting and satisfying partnerships, the vast majority find them unsatisfying and even traumatic ways to reach the ‘goal’ of a successful relationship.
Marriage, once seen as the cornerstone of a healthy partnership, is still a popular relationship choice but with more focus on the ‘big day’ than ever before, with the average cost of a wedding soaring to £20,000 – no wonder so many couples forget to think about what happens afterwards.
Meanwhile, more couples are rushing into married life, with short engagements leading to short-lived marriages and the highest divorce rate ever recorded.
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Speed dating vs Slow Love
So what has led to this breakdown in lasting relationships?
One reason is the methods many of us are forced to turn to when looking for a partner. The main advantages of speed and internet dating are also its biggest pitfalls: it’s useful to be able to ‘cut to the chase’ and weed out bad prospects when you’re battling against the very real obstacles of limited spare time, a lack of community and often a noisy biological clock.
But this approach can also create wildly unrealistic expectations.
If you’re feeling that these methods are your only hope, it’s worth thinking about how many people managed to find their soul mates before technology entered into our personal lives. In our parents’ and grandparents’ day, family introductions, shared interests and friendships played a far more important role in bringing couples together.
Of course, things have moved on and we no longer have the same courtship rituals and opportunities to meet potential partners as previous generations did. But the same principles are just as relevant as ever.
Becoming involved in a community, one that allows you to develop your interests, is still the best way to meet people and find someone who shares your values. While speed and internet dating strip away the context that surrounds your everyday life, finding someone who fits into that arena is likely to lead to a much more lasting relationship.
Once you do meet someone who fits in to your life — whether through one of the newer dating channels or via more traditional means, it’s important not to feel under pressure to rush into a particular relationship ‘mould’.
Every relationship is a journey, and the ones that make it all the way involve obstacles, with both partners working to overcome them together. A relationship founded on common interests, natural attraction and a willingness to grow together is far more likely to make it part the first few hurdles!
Image: Sabrina_Capmpagna
